DGAF

I just feel lost. This may be the lowest I’ve ever felt. My mind is filled with complete confusion. I have no idea what I want. This year has had to many down falls and I’m ready for things to just start looking up for me because I’m trying to be strong but I can only handle so much. I’m sorry for any pain I’m causing anyone especially Josh because he is one of the most important people in the world to me. I just hope we both learn some valuable lessons through this hard time and over come it as two stronger individuals.

After 7 years of trying, loving, caring, fighting, hurting.. every possible feeling has been felt in these past 7 years, we decided that it was the end. It hurts like hell. My life has only consisted of him and being a girlfriend/future-wife. We both knew it was coming sooner or later. 

I feel partly to blame for this. I feel that I gave up, when he finally didn’t. All I ever wanted through these years was for him to care about me and want to be with me, and once that happened I had nothing left to give. I wasted my youth with a man that cheated on me constantly. But I never gave up, I always wanted to find ways to better myself so it wouldn’t happen again. I blamed myself. I knew someday, maybe after the 2nd, or 3rd time that I would finally have no more love to give. Why give so much to someone who doesn’t love you?

I talk to my friends and tell them he’s an amazing person. So caring, and loving. Charming and funny. Always put his family first before him. He would be there in a heartbeat if I needed him. But then theres that one thing that screw it all up. Being faithful. Trust is the most important thing. I don’t think that there was ever any trust. I think that thing that kept me holding on was my love for him, even though there was no trust, my love for him gave me hope that someday it would all be ok. 

I don’t even know a single thing about being single now. I don’t think I’ll ever be in an another relationship. I don’t want to. Ever. I guess the only thing I can look forward to is focusing on myself and my son. I ended it for a short period a few months ago, but I knew we would be back together. I knew that if we ended, it would be him ending it. 

So here I am, alone. Never felt so alone in my life. But I’m surrendering, no more fighting for something that won’t work. As much as it hurts, and as much as I love him, its time to let go.

I feel myself falling love all over again. Fingers crossed it just keeps going up from here!